Dad !
Dad, wake up !
Dad !
Dad, it's me, ben !
I know who You are, ben !
You're the only other Guy who lives here !
Yeah !
I just heard a noise, Outside... At the window.
Well, you know What that is ?
That's one of the millions of People that lives in the city !
No, no !
I'm telling you, I heard someone
Who's trying To break in, i think.
You know what, ben, you're Probably having a bad dream--
Dad, i'm tellin' you, I heard it 4 times in a row...
Just listen.
Yeah.
You never get it When you need it !
I just Heard something.
Yeah, do you Hear that ?
Yeah, it was Metal on metal.
Sounds like someone's trying To get the window lock open.
First of all, Are all our doors locked ?
Yeah, but it's the window, That's the problem.
That's a good point.
That's probably why They're using the window
'Cause the doors Are so locked.
I don't want To die, dad !
Maybe we should Call 911, is that it ?
Uhh, that's Information.
No, 411 is Information.
Okay, call 911.
I'll call 411.
Okay, but let me Do all the talking.
Wait a second, i think they're Actually in the apartment !
Oh, my god.
( Loudly ) Boy, i certainly have--
I have no regrets about not Owning anything of value !
Dad, why are you Talking so loud ?
I just want to discourage Them from looking around.
( Loudly ) It's a good thing they Haven't passed legislation
About automatic weapons In this city !
( Loudly ) Man, it was a long hard day On the police force today !
You're not kidding ! Whoooof !
I'm gonna go to Bed, lieutenant !
Oh, man, it's almost Like it's pretend !
Yeah !
That we're wearing these Uniforms for no reason !
Just because We're crazy.
Why do i sleep With my revolver on ?
Oh, my huge gun !
Did that work ?
I don't think so.
Let's make them Some coffee.
Let's just Get robbed.
Okay.
The hell with it !
( Yelling ) Help yourselves !
Take whatever You want !
Just lock up When you're done !
Oh, dad, uhh...
Yeah ?
now, call 911 !
I'm telling you, laura, It's just very scary When you realize
That someone was actually Trying to get into your home.
Dr. Katz, are you Overreacting ?
I don't think i'm overreacting, I think i'm reacting !
I think that, umm, somebody Tries breaking into your home--
Did they Break in ?
They weren't able To actually get in.
Well, that's good.
But that's only because Ben and i acted with such speed
And we're both So vigilant.
No, what Really happened ?
Ben woke me up in the middle Of the night, he heard a noise--
Dr. Katz, you've Never been robbed ?
No, i've never been Robbed in my entire life !
Really ?
Yep !
You seem like Such an easy target !
Thank you For saying that
But apparently I don't appear that way
To the Criminal community.
Well...
To me, it's just Totally humiliating--
The idea that they Could've rifled through My personal belongings.
Yeah, but They didn't !
Yeah, i Like that part.
Hmmmm.
Doctor, you know, i don't know Very much about you at all,
I mean, but i guess That's part of your--
That's part of The whole therapy game
And i use the word "Game" instead of "scam".
What do you have A wife and kids ?
Well, you know what, My family's
Really off-limits In this session.
I see, sure, That's fine !
Do you have a son ? You look like you have a son.
I do have a son.
Yeah, i can tell By the bags under your eyes !
How old is he ? How old is your son ?
( Sigh ) He's grown.
How old ?
He's 25 years old.
So he's sleeping Through the night, huh ?
Such a cute age.
My parents now-- it's weird To watch 'em get old.
Uh-huh.
My mom, she's Getting pathetic.
How so ?
She's so embarrassing-- We'd go to restaurants
And they're calling everybody's Name the other night,
And every single name they Called, my mom's said,
"Lew, lew, go find out If that was us !"
I said, "we'll be able to Tell if that's us, mom.
They'll use our name !
Of course, that's Like the law of nature.
The longer you wait For a table in restaurant
The more everyone's name Starts to sound alike !
As the blood sugar level drops Your hearing becomes affected.
After 45 minutes, they say "Clark, party of 4, clark."
Right away there are 15 people up there--
"Excuse me, did you Just call dumbrovski ?"
They're not Listening.
My dad's big on Using everybody's name.
He believes in Making people feel important
By using their name.
So if someone comes up To our table at a restaurant--
"I'm don, I'll be your waiter."
"Okay, don ! Hi, don !
"Could we have More butter, don !
"I'm gonna Don my sweater, don--
"See i used it In another context."
I guess i shouldn't make So much fun of my parents.
I'm a parent too, i have 3 Children and it's just amazing.
When you have That first kid
And it's just magical, And you think, "oh my gosh !"
It's the most important Thing in the world.
And then, the second kid Comes along and you panic--
"How am i gonna love someone as Much as i love that first one !"
And then, of course, the second Child's born and the truth is
You love that second child almost as much as the first.
I mean it's Really close !
It's almost negligible !
But you know, The first one's real special.
Right.
The third one is, uh... The third one is, ummm...
You hope the third one's Easy to clean !
Ben ?
Are you on A secure phone ?
Am-am i on A secure phone ?
Yep.
Just want to make sure No one's listening To this conversation.
There's a good chance i might not listen To this conversation.
Have you taken my advice To change the locks ?
I called The locksmith.
Uh-huh.
I got the Locks changed.
Right.
Then i called Another locksmith.
Uh-huh.
Got them Changed again.
That's Good thinking !
Did you put on An extra deadbolt ?
There's 3 locks And a chain lock now.
And what about Bars on the windows ?
I think that's going a little Too far, don't you think ?
And i want to call A "home security" company
I want them to Put an alarm system.
And i'm only gonna give The code to me and to you.
I'm not even sure if I'm gonna give it to you.
But dad, i mean, honestly, Even if the guy'd gotten in
I think i overreacted Last night.
Yeah, when you Wrestled me to The ground ?!
Yeah, i had to Wrestle somebody !
I was thinking today, dad,
That maybe the best Thing we could do,
Beyond locks and bars On the window,
Would be Get a pitbull.
You know, that's not Such a crazy idea.
Yeah, because--
Maybe instead Of a pitbull
We can just get a recording Of one of those dogs barking.
Because in that way, We wouldn't have to walk it.
Yeah, that's true.
And we wouldn't-- well, We'd still have to name it.
You know if we don't Get a pitbull, though...
Poodle ?
Hmmm, i wouldn't Mind a hamster, again.
I know it won't help To deter criminals
But... They're So loveable !
Hi, dr. Katz, How are you ?
I'm okay, How are you, david ?
I'm okay, i'm a little anxious, A little harried...
One thing that i remember From the last session was...
I think it's kind of a bad sign When your therapist says,
"That's a little bit More information than I wanted to know."
Well, i think You misconstrued
What i was saying When i said that !
Well, that is--
What do you mean, That's what you said !
Wait, wait, how did You interpret that ?
That maybe i was... Giving you more information
Than you Wanted to know ?
Yeah, that's What i meant.
Oh !
So, you're the youngest of 5, If i'm not mistaken.
Uhh, no, I'm the oldest of 3, but...
Well, being The oldest, david,
Has in many ways Shaped who you are.
Really ? In what way ?
Many ways.
Huh... Okay, noted, noted.
Last week you started telling me About the new business
Before we Ran out of time.
It's called "Dave's classy pizza".
And how does That work ?
Oh, well... For an extra $50
You get your pizza Delivered to you
In a limousine.
Right.
Yeah, and that's the tag line-- "It's limo fresh !"
And then, you know A butler comes out, and--
"Your pizza, sir !"
That's the australian guy and Then the english guy is like,
( Cockney accent ) "Hello gov'nor, 'Ere's your pizza !"
It depends on what-- You can pick it--
And there's like a french maid-- It's up to you, it's--
You think there's A market for that ?
Oh, yeah !
Because people Like stuff delivered
And they like Classiness... You know.
And i thought of combining The two-- "classy delivery" !
I think it's A wonderful idea !
Yeah ! Yeah ! I hope it works...
I mean, in the future-- It hasn't worked so far.
I actually lost a... Significant amount of money.
But, i'm keeping My fingers crossed.
I think you're Onto something With that idea.
And this thing is gonna Pay off big, dr. Katz.
Big !
Listen, listen, listen-- big !
Dr. Katz's office.
Hi, laura, It's ben.
Uh-huh.
Yep, Hey, laura ?
Yes !
Have you noticed anything Strange about my dad ?
Could you be A little more Specific ?
Well, ever since The break-in,
He seems to be Really paranoid, you know ?
The attempted Break-in.
Right, but i call it The "break-in".
Okay.
I just skip the "Attempted" part.
Well, he's been Acting a little Bit weird.
I've never seen him This paranoid...
I mean, it is Kinda funny
But i don't think it's really Healthy for a guy that age.
Well, maybe you Should talk to him.
Talk to him ?
Yeah !
That's your advice, "Talk to him" ?
Uh-huh, You're welcome.
You know, laura, there's Hundreds of people
That i could've called For advice about this.
Oh, ben, you're Absolutely right, I'm so sorry.
Apology accepted !
I should Be grateful
That you even considered Calling me at all !
Is this sarcasm ?
You know what ?
I'm so Disappointed With myself.
I don't even Deserve to be
On the same Phone line as you.
Yep, that was sarcasm !
Hey, laura, let me Ask you something ?
Yeah ?
Do you ever Carry a fake wallet
Or hide your money In your shoe ?
Fake wallet ?
Yeah, just in case.
What is a Fake wallet ?
You know, a fake wallet Is something that
If you get robbed...
Yeah ?
It's a way of Making the burglars
Feel like they've Done their job
And at the same time, Saving some money.
Where's the Real one ?
The real one-- You keep in a secure spot !
I know what You're doing, dr. Katz,
But you can't Live in fear !
Yes, i can !
You're letting this Attempted burglary thing
Get the better of you !
I'm just being Cautious, laura !
It sounds like You're being paranoid !
Well, thank you, That's good advice,
But what i really Need to know is:
Where can i hide My real wallet ?
How 'bout Shovin' it up--
Hey, hey, hey, Never mind !
You know who i hate ?
Give me a hint, lew.
My... Grandmother.
And why is That, lew ?
She's old and Uninteresting to me.
Uh-huh.
No, i don't really hate her, You know what it is ?
My grandmother is really-- she, She-- well, you know--
She's very spry, But her eyes are getting bad
And the best way to Negotiate her territory
Is to treat her Like a rhinoceros.
If you're upwind, Stay there.
Because she will charge If she smells you !
Uh-huh, but you Were telling me that
She still loves to Have the family over, Cooks dinner for them.
Ugh, every time We eat there--
Sometimes i do have This feeling--
'Cause she is A pretty good cook.
I say, "if i don't get really Sick later, this was good !"
What was your relationship like When you were a child ?
She used to bribe me For correspondence.
If i sent her a letter, She would send me a dollar.
And it was classic, you know How when you're a kid
You'd always break open Your piggy bank--
"$19 boy, i wish I had $20 !"
"Dear grandma, how are you ? I am fine... Bye !
Love, me.
Mom said that i had to Make this a whole page"
And then i'd write "Whole page" really big
So it takes up A whole page.
Ummm... What else ?
Do you know that In this country
One home is broken into Approximately every 15 minutes.
So since i've been here
Approximately one home Has been broken into...
Which's not So bad !
It's not bad !
I have a neighbor Who doesn't lock her door
And she doesn't do it because It just doesn't feel good.
That's crazy !
What's her address ?
You've probably Treated patients
Who've been victims of Some kind of criminal act.
So, how do you deal With that, what do you ?
No, i do treat people who Are traumatized in some way.
What would You say to them ?
Get over it !
Uh.
Did you actually See the guy ?
Well, it was like seeing him, I heard the tapping sound.
When you hear this-- ( Clinking )
At 3:00 In the morning,
Believe me, it's like Seeing a guy with a mask !
Did ben see him ?
Ben heard a Different sound.
He heard like this-- ( Slow clinking )
( Stirring )
Ha ha ha !
Maybe the guy was having Coffee on the fire escape !
I can't believe I called 911
And they said it Was the wrong number !
How wrong Can you be ?
Huh.
Did you dial like, N-i-n-e one-one ?
That might've Been the problem !
Okay, you win !
You're the stupidest Guy at the bar !
Ha ha ha !
( Knock on door )
Hello ?
Dad, open the door !
And who's there ?
It's me !
Let me ask you This then...
If you're really Who you claim to be--
And-- i'm sorry-- Who did you claim to be ?
Dad, it's me, Open the door !
What's your Mother's maiden name ?
I'll be back In an hour !
Ben, did you get The sweet-and-sour pork Like i asked you to ?
I did.
Did anyone follow you ?
Dad, when are You gonna relax ?
When this beer kicks in, Is when i'm gonna relax !
Oh, man ! This is crazy !
Dad, why don't we just sit And eat, and you know what...
There's no possible way that We're gonna get robbed again.
I'm thinking about maybe Moving to a gated community.
( Sigh ) you know, see, That's the problem.
You get paranoid About this
And then you can't Live your life normally Ever again !
The cops suggested to me That it might be an inside job.
So, how well Do you know me ?
It could've Been you ?
It's possible.
Hmmph.
I'm thinking about getting a Second peephole put in the door,
Waist high.
Just in case someone Small comes calling.
Hmm, that's A good idea.
You know for a minute i thought You, uh, you're going too far !
Why don't we Get the phone book
And we can just keep The peephole we have !
You're afraid of small people, Now, is that it ?
Well, every scary movie I've ever seen
Involves a midget That kills !
Like what ?
Name any movie !
Ummm... "Midget killers" ?
They've got 'em.
Yeah.
"Too small to Let you live" !
"I'm small and You're dead" !
"If you lift me up again, I'll kill you" !
There's a Million of them !
"Look down, Now you're dead" !
Dad, you know, the attempted Robbery was like a week ago.
Look at this, They have 8 different Kinds of pepper spray, ben !
Really ?
Yeah.
Can you put It on food ?
I think.
'Cause i like The hot stuff !
There's one with A grounded pepper spray !
Ha ha ha !
That would be A good way to do it--
You pretend you're putting Some of this grounded pepper
On their food-- The burglars--
Then you whack them Over the head with A big thing.
Yeah, they have to have food In order for that to work.
Oh, that's right !
We'll put out A spread.
I can't go on Living like this.
Maybe we should, Go to the other side.
You know what i mean ?
You talkin' about starting A life of crime ?
I think a life of crime Would be rather romantic, Don't you think ?
What kinda criminal Do you see yourself being ?
You know you watch all those Movies, like butch cassidy--
Yeah, that's what i was Thinking, i'd like to Rob a stagecoach.
Yeah... They Still have those ?
No, that's my point, We're already out of work !
What do they use now To transport people Back and forth ?
Umm, airplanes.
We should rob one !
But, i really want to be in a Situation though, dad, where...
We pull a heist...
Uh-huh.
And i got shot, right ?
Then you have to take me To one of those...
Guys who aren't Really a doctor
But who could sew me up Like across the border...
A seamstress !
A tailor !
A guy who has to bring me to his Back room with no anesthetic
Give me a slug of liquor And then sew me up...
And then i'd die.
Alright, Bad ending !
But... Interesting life !
Sure !
Let's go to bed and we'll Leave the windows wide open !
You gotta be crazy !
You know, as long as They're gonna rob us
We might as well Get some fresh air !
Yeah, you're feeling Better now, though ?
Yeah.
Why don't you give your Old son a good-night hug !
Come here ! Get over here !
I got you !
Okay, now put me down !
Now, what's this... I stole your wallet !
Oh, man !
You suck !
Check, look Inside that wallet !
What ?
Fake wallet !
Ahhh, you got me !
When you're good, You're good !
Oh, dr. Katz, i was In the seattle airport...
Uh-huh.
And as you're walking Into baggage claim
They have this 9-panel depiction Of a magic act-- it's painted !
I mean, magic is Already boring-- live !
Y'know, even if the guy's Right there in front of you,
The most you're gonna get is-- "Oh, wow. That is my card.
Yep, you did it !"
Yeah.
But, to paint a magic act, It didn't make any sense to me
But, it works actually On some weird level.
You do get emotionally Invested in it.
Because you start off And the first panel is--
The guy dressed As a magician
And he's got The disappearing box
And you see his assistant
And then you progress Down the wall there
And you see the guy gets in The box and there are no wires
And he turns the box, And the next panel
The box is being Turned again
And then the Very last panel--
The box's been opened up And they guy has disappeared !
And you find yourself Really fascinated, like--
"How did they do that ? That's amazing !"
And you run back really quickly And you watch it again,
"Okay, he's getting in, Clearly, there are no wires
And i don't see him..."
And you get there, And it's like,
"Yeah, the guy's gone, He did it !"
So dr. Katz, I had a great easter.
And i was thinking, It's celebrating
The ascension of Jesus into heaven.
And i was wondering, if, when Jesus was rising up to heaven,
If you had grabbed on to his Leg, could you go up to heaven ?
Hhmmm !
And you could Be up in heaven.
You'd be the First guy in heaven !
And jesus maybe Would shake his leg
But if you had a firm grip, You'd be right up in heaven
Hanging with Jesus and god !
And walking on clouds, They couldn't let you go--
You'd be up there, It would be so neat !
That's what i would've done Had i been an apostle.
You know, i was wondering when Jesus was ascending into heaven,
Uhm, do you think His ears popped ?
Good chance.
But also, what if you were On the ground
When jesus was ascending
And then you suddenly remembered That he had your keys ?
That would've--
"Jesus, you have my keys, Throw down my keys, please !
Jesus, listen !
Before he's going too high, He's got my keys !
My keys, My house keys !
Awwwww !
Y'know, doc, i'm So self-conscious
One time, i was with a person-- You seem to be great at this--
People come and tell you All kinds of boring things
And you never even Yawn or anything.
I was listening To someone talking
And i was having lunch With this guy
And i got so bored, And i yawned
And then we'd just Started the lunch
And i had to pretend that That was how i talked--
( Yawning ) Ahhh-yeahhh- Good salad.
So now he thinks You're alert but an idiot.
Yeah, every time he calls, I have to go--
( Yawning ) Welll... Anyway.
I wish i could be More confident-- You know who i admire ?
Who ?
The 6th grader who had Sex with his teacher !
Ahhh.
That kid must've have a Tremendous amount Of self-esteem !
I mean, i wouldn't even Look at my teacher in the eye !
Can you imagine this kid-- What confidence !
She says, "do you want To stay after school ?"
I'm sure the kid says, "I dunno, depends.
"I'm supposed to play soccer but I can move some stuff around.
What do you Have in mind ?"
It's weird-- in terms Of development--
Every month is critical.
Like a 6-month-old can do things That a 3-month-old can't
A one-year-old can do things That a 9-month-old can't--
You know what the Truth is, doctor ?
You never make up That difference !
That's right !
My friend steve, he was born in April and i was born in july--
He's a little bit Better reader than i am.
( Music )
Oops. You know what The music means, lew ?
Our time is up !